FIFTY NINE [things i’m afraid to tell you]

I was referred over by Carrie. So here, I am, ready to jump in the wagon and try some confession myself. No, I am not going to play Neopets or Pottermore tonight. I am going to write this up, maybe hang out a bit on my idol’s website and then go develop some zzZs.

And I am not going to bother myself about what others say about me after they read this.

Since this is well, a post all about me, I figured that I had better start this off with a portrait of me I did years ago. Look at this photo, and you are going to see a very different me in my sketch below.


In between this post, I watched a few videos. I went out to put my towel. I stand up and sit down. I procrastinate in each and every way I can. I try to get out of things as much as I can. My wife hates the way I “run away” from things I don’t like or don’t want to handle, but I can’t stop myself. I always need that breather to stop and get agitated, get OVER getting agitated and think and sort out myself. When I say I will do something, I will do it, but doing it can happen in hours, days, weeks, months, and even years. It’s my way of getting out of having to do it, until the very last minute.

Diana Wynne Jones’ Howl Jenkins was a very classic example of me, in one tiny way – we love to try to get out of things will doing it. It is a way the two-track mind works, I guess. While he keeps trying to get out of having to find the Prince and gets distracted even when ordered to do so, Howl was actually doing a lot to get more hints and etc. So while I say “no”, quite a lot of times, I am at the same time finding a way to do it. It generally irritates me when people take the tasks away from me while I am doing that, but then again, they don’t know what I am thinking, so I can’t do anything about it. Because, like Howl says, getting out of it is the only way he sees himself actually doing it.

Phew. One point over. Next.


Oh this one is easy and no secret. But it is embarrassing and I would not admit it to any writer, or anyone good at language, because while I am claimed to be good at language, I actually good at inventing new words which I thought existed or new ways of using them while I thought was already in use. I’m so good at it, I practically do it all the time.

While we are at it, I might as well continue to say that people who talked to me are generally cheated by my apparent good command of language. No. I just like talking, so I try to do my best at it. That’s all. There are people who call me eloquent, but frankly speaking, those close to me knows that I’m far from it.


Mostly everyone seemed to have these issues, but somehow, mine seemed to be worst than others. I have bad memories of my poor handling of my emotions who led to poor behaviour, as well as anger issues that I have been trying to tackle. Well, I can only congratulate myself on finally getting started at handling it  because I lost a VIP in my life because of my awkwardness-frustration-incapability to handle my emotions-blow up emotions-anger issues. That was the biggest thing I ever regret. I am so embarrassed at my behaviours I don’t even want to admit it or remember it.


Not a big issue really, but I have battled it for ages. When it comes to popular people/characters, my general behaviour is this:
1- Ignore that person; let others gush over them.
2- Curiosity get the better of me and try to find out more about them and why people like them
3- Either continue to feel neutral or starts to dislike them because of something
4- Or really love them.

I was always afraid of being stereotyped as a  crowd-chaser or just everyone else that I worked so hard to hide who my idols are. But, today, I am going to yell it out.
I like Vic Chou because he is handsome (at first) and I think he is really hardworking  (later) and I generally like hardworking and down to earth people.
I like Taylor Swift because I like her songs (at first) and then her personality and how entertaining I realised she is. But one very important thing is, she did something I never dared to, and succeed at it so well that she makes a living out of it. That’s right. She opened her heart out to people and let all of them hear it. I never would ever dare to do it.


I spend a lot of money and continue to spend a lot of money on things that are not necessity. And after I buy them, I leave them in their package for a long time before opening them up, or I opened them up and then leave them for a very long time. I just love to collect pretty things. In fact, I only realised recently that my room is themed as ALI-BABA’S TREASURE CAVE-cum-HOWL’S BEDROOM. I have trouble throwing things away.


Alright, don’t start preaching. I haven’t spoken with my family for ages, and I intend to keep things that way. I had many many issues with them, that seemed not to work out at all, and I will not bore you with them, since it would feel like I am trying to buy people over to my side. I am not going to ever do that again, so there’s no point to explain.

At the end of the day, I realised that we have gave each other too much pressure and somehow living together was hard that way. It used to be easier with me in the house mostly and everyone else outside. But when people started actually staying in the house, things get difficult. You know how married people always say that their ideas clash and so they realised they can’t live together anymore? Well, I think it happened with unmarried families as well, and go brick yourself before you start saying things like “blood is thicker than water”. Of course it’s thicker. Every science idiot knows that!

The only solution I came up with is to continuing the silence and just let each other live in their way. If they have any need they can come to me, but only when there’s this absolute need. That’s where I allow the thicker part to come in. And only there.

In fact, I have this issue extended to my near relatives. I am SO AFRAID OF THEM AND WHAT THEY SAY, I stopped going to any gathering, etc. I only made an exception when great-grandmother died, but I remembered wondering if she even knows who I am. She was that old, and that thought filled my heart with tears. I know I don’t want to stop seeing my relatives altogether, but the thoughts of the silence, the questions, the terrible experiences just push me into a panic attack. Yes, just the thoughts alone are enough.

Well, I will end it here now. I am getting too emotional to continue.


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